26 May Heaven or High Water, By Nataša Sormaz
It’s been thirty minutes since we took the mushrooms, and her pupils look big enough to swim in. I wonder if I look as high as she does, but we were warned that looking in the mirror might make us freak out and ruin our trip, so I opt for blissful ignorance.
“Oh, I’m definitely feeling it.” Cassidy beams and lies down, tilting her head back just enough to see out of the large window that serves as a headboard for my bed. Summer days feel endless, but it’s clear from Cassidy’s widening eyes that the sun has finally begun its nightly descent. “We’ve got to go outside now, right?” The orange glow envelops her face, softening her harsh sunburn.
Cassidy’s breathing isn’t as heavy and quick as mine; she’s not picking at her skin like she usually does when she’s nervous. I don’t want to ruin this moment for her.
“Yeah, let’s go!” I plaster on a smile.
Honestly, I am excited, but coexisting anxiety shades that feeling.
I uncross my legs and place both feet on the floor. As I look down to slip my sandals on, the carpet catches my eye. The textured fibres move around the square like it’s a patch of grass with bugs feverishly crawling through it. I’ve never liked insects, but right now, their presence is comforting.
I’ve never been subtle, and my fascination with the beige rug is giving me away.
“You okay?” Cassidy asks, with a playful push on my arm.
“Oh yeah,” I say, pulling my gaze up to hers. “Can you see the rug move too, though?”
She smirks and raises an eyebrow before looking down at the carpet to humour me.
“Can’t say I do, girl. It’s not freaking you out or anything, is it?”
I want to ease my nerves and the discomfort that she’s feeling on my behalf. “No, no,” I lie, “just remind me again how you got these.”
Cassidy smirks again. “Hm … seduction, a series of private correspondence, and my ingenuity, of course.”
I can see the humour in her eyes as I glance at her to go on.
“If you must know, a guy I work with at the restaurant buys them in bulk. I gave him $30 of my tip money.” She shrugs and pulls me up and out of the room. She’s always been the best remedy for any negative feeling I’ve had, even when she’s the cause. It’s been like this since we were eleven. Like when I lost my favourite string bracelet—I was heartbroken when she showed up to school wearing it, until she handed me the one she made for me. It’s tight on my wrist now.
We walk out the front door, and warm July air wraps itself around me. I stare at the trees in the front yard; they look painted, like they’re made of a series of careless brushstrokes. We veer off the cement path toward them, lured by their shifting colours.
“There’s no way this tree was always purple. After a decade, I definitely would’ve noticed that.” A smile, permanently fixed on Cassidy’s face.
I become aware of my own smile, affixed to my face long enough for my cheeks to burn slightly.
“Okay, we can’t stay in your yard the whole trip,” she begins, “we have to go exploring or something.”
The sun is setting quickly, and I typically have no desire to wander outside at night, like prey asking to be ambushed. But at this moment, it feels like the two of us and the trees are the only living things on the planet.
“Let’s bike to the lake,” I say.
Cassidy looks at me, surprised I suggested that, which I can’t blame her for. She always ensures I’m seizing the day and that I keep her safe.
We run to the shed in the backyard. I grab my bike while she grabs my brother’s.
“Look at you,” Cassidy exclaims, “I’ve finally made you as wild as me!”
I roll my eyes and laugh. Though I’ve always tried to steer us in the right direction, we both know there’s never been a point in our friendship where I wouldn’t have done whatever she’s wanted.
It’s taking me a second to figure out how to balance. Everything, from the seat to the handles to the ground below the wheels, feels as if it’s going to fall apart under my weight. Cassidy doesn’t seem to be having the same issue, though.
“Hurry up! I wanna get down there before the world goes back to normal,” she exclaims, taking off ahead of me.
I am pedalling hard, each push requiring thought and effort. As I catch up to her, the pedalling becomes effortless. The warm wind hits my face, and I cannot help but close my eyes as every bit of tension my body’s been collecting evaporates. As I open my eyes, I see Cassidy’s arms. They’re made freckled by the summer sun, outstretched like wings as she flies down the empty gravel roads. She’s like the angel of the town. Around us pass small houses with big lawns, all blending into a mess of deep colour as the sky melts from orange to blue to purple.
We reach the dock and lean our bikes against the tree closest to the lake.
“Do you know what tree this is?” I ask.
“It’s our tree,” Cassidy responds. “Obviously.”
We walk toward our beloved tree, which we marked the summer after senior year. We wrote “C + L” in the bark with a plastic knife that Cassidy found on the ground.
We reach out our hands to trace each other’s letters. Our fingers brush when we get to the plus sign. Her lack of balance is forcing her to sway back and forth. Her face gets so close I can smell the earthiness she’s exhaling. I didn’t enjoy the taste of the mushrooms when I ate them, but on her breath, I don’t seem to mind it.
“Cass and Lily, foreva,” Cassidy drawls as we share a smile.
I turn my back to the tree, letting myself sink into a seated position. My body is tingling against everything it touches. The roughness of the bark creates indents in my skin, the ground I’m planted on has a heartbeat, all around me are little bits of Earth I’ve never noticed before.
“Do you think the water feels like water?” I ask, drawing our attention to the lake. The words feel stupid coming out of my mouth, but like always, Cassidy knows exactly what I mean.
She giggles, “Only one way to find out.” She gets up and slips off her flip-flops before walking to the edge of the dock. I quickly get up to catch up with her.
“Should we dip our feet in?” she asks.
“No,” I say slowly. I begin to take off my sandals and pull my t-shirt over my head.
In a precious moment that makes me feel like we’ve switched bodies, Cassidy asks, “Are you sure, Lily?”
I nod, and she begins to follow my lead for the first time, dropping her t-shirt on top of mine. We look at each other before grabbing hands and stepping off the dock.
As I hit the water, a thrill rushes up my spine and my limbs thrash, forcing my head back above water, greeting the air with laboured breaths. It’s colder than I expected, a shock that turns into dull numbness as my body adjusts. I feel weightless, the surface rippling around us in impossible colours. The anxiety, the fear, and the hesitation all dissolve.
I look over at Cassidy as her head bobs up. The water has slicked her hair back, and as she looks at me, her pupils manage to get even larger. She looks mythical, siren-like, as she swims closer to me.
“Are you still feeling it?” Cassidy asks, breathing deeply.
I can see my reflection as I look into her eyes. “Definitely. I’ve always felt it.”